Tech Support Rant

(To people that are actually friends of mine: I don't mind helping you with your computers. This is for the idiots in class that don't read my blog but I needed to vent about. But paying me in chocolate and/or pizza every so often doesn't hurt either...)

ATTENTION ALL IDIOTS AT SCHOOL THAT ACCOST ME FOR TECHNICAL SUPPORT:

To quote Doug Richardson (who isn't particularly famous, but credit where credit's due)

If I was a plumber, would my colleagues and neighbours expect me to fit a new bathroom for them free of charge? Should I have chosen the carpenters path then would it be reasonable to expect a free conservatory? No. So why is acceptable to expect on call IT support, application development and fixing computers riddled with viruses without so much as a damn beer?

Now, first of all, I don't like beer. So don't try and get away with payment in Bud Light. We can negotiate for chocolate, however.

Second of all: I like doing tech support. I don't mind doing it. In fact, I usually don't mind doing it for free. But if you're going to argue with me, you are never going to get free tech support again.

If I tell you to do something, do it. I don't care if you love your precious AIM, if it's what's causing the problem, you can either fix it or leave me the hell alone. I don't care if you already rebooted your machine. Do it again. If it takes too long to reboot and therefore can't waste that much time, you have more problems than I'm prepared to deal with without cash involved. Besides, if you can't waste that much time, why do you expect me to?

If I am working in class, it is not a good time to come up to me and ask me about an obscure error message on your Windows 95 PC that fell off the back of a truck. I know just as much about it as you do, the difference is I know how to use Google. Quick questions that I can actually answer off the top of my head without having to work are free. Everything else, you pay.

See, when people work tech support, they're not allowed to be picky like this. And if you're paying me, I will fix your computer. But free tech support only lasts as long as you're nice about it, and only if it's a simple problem.

Be a good little customer, taking care of your computer the way I tell you (Updates and Antivirus, my friend). You may then come to me when you get a mystery error, and I will gladly Google it or you. You must then follow my directions, leaving out any whiny "I already DID that!" or "No, that's not the problem." If you already did that, then you might have done it wrong, and besides, you don't know what I'm doing yet. And if you know that's not the problem, then you clearly know the answer, and don't need my help. Buh-bye.

If you're a good customer, but the problem is worse than I'm willing to deal with for free, you get a hell of a discount. If you're a really good friend and you have an insanely difficult problem, minimum wage plus an unlimited supply of caffeine can even suffice. A close acquaintance that has a virus, $15 an hour is an excellent deal.

If you piss me off, your choices are: Pay me $25-50 an hour to fix your computer, or pay Best Buy more than $100 an hour to pretend to fix you computer.

I repeat: I do free tech support because I like working with computers. I do not do tech support because I like dealing with people. If you don't like it, the Geek Squad is more than happy to rip you off.

Excuse me, I think my empathy ran away. I need to go catch it.