Old Blog Archive: Only Sith Deal in Absolutes

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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OK. Look carefully at this picture for thirty seconds. Now, turn away, and answer this question:

Which of the people in the picture becomes a Sith Lord later in the film?

Correct answer:
YOU"RE WRONG! it's both!

What, you don't see it? Oh, fine. I'll explain it myself.

I base my accusation on a very important line in the script. A line so dramatic, I laugh every time I hear it.

"Only Sith deal in absolutes."

You're laughing too, right? OK, this will be a little harder than expected.

OK - the previous sentence was "Either you're with me, or you're my enemy." That qualifies as an absolute, no? Ergo, Vanakin is a Sith. Easy enough.

So, what's so funny, you say? Here's the punch line:

An absolute is something that has no "grey area" - it has very few options, none of which are "all of the above" or a "maybe" - got it? OK. I'll type really slow here, so it will be easier to read.

"Only Sith deal in absolutes" is an absolute.

Obi-Wan is a Sith.

Voila!

He could have said, "Most of the time, it is Sith that deal in absolutes, but, you know, I do sometimes, so this doesn't really qualify you as a Sith, but you are using an absolute, so I think you are a Sith."

Granted, it is not so dramatic or succinct, but it would save me a whole lot of work.

Of course, this theory conflicts with my next blog-entry-to-be, but that's for another day.

In any case, if I really want to delve deep (and why not - I just finished my 3rd jolt of caffeine for the day) we can list the other Jedi that are truly undercover Sith.

- Yoda
"Always two there are..."
"Do, or do not - there is no try."
The list goes on. If we judge someone's Sith-yness by the number of Absolutes, then Yoda's darker than Palpy and Maul combined

OK, so I admit, I don't have any other Jedi Absolute-isms. If you know any, PLEASE let me know, so I can back up my craz... er, deeply thought theory.

But, of course, I could not leave without one interesting thought -
Palpy never said an absolute. Is he the true Jedi?

Old Blog Archive: Wookiee Cookiee Crumbs

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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Adoption Rounds #1

I decided to adopt Ghent, the slicer. He's not as obscure as some, but I just think it would be awesome to be someone who can slice top Imperial codes to warm up!

Other adoptions:

ARCtrooper46: Nien Numb
jaggedgarak: Jagged Fel and/or Kir Kanos
nob01: GONK power droid
Darth_Chick: Corde

Misc Rambling #1

Everyone has their favorite Star Wars character - Han, Leia, Luke, Chewie... it goes down the list of the most popular characters. What about those that are left out? In honor of them, I am proposing the Favorite Star Wars Character Adoption Crusade. Please email me (using the Contact Blogger link to the left) and tell me which obscure character you are adopting as your favorite. I will keep a running list here. Please do not post comments with your adoption - just email them and I will post!


Recipe #1 - Wookiee Cookiees
This is my favorite Chocolate Chip cookie recipe, renamed because of their size. Be sure to use BUTTER, not margarine, if at all possible, they are much better. Sorry to all you metric-measuring people out there - I'm a true American (Translation: Metric? What Metric?).

2-1/2 cups All-Purpose Flour
1/2 Teaspoon salt
1/2 Teaspoon Baking Soda
3/4 cup unsalted Butter (1-1/2 sticks)
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 Eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla
10 ounces semi-sweet or Dark Chocolate
2/3 cup walnuts or pecans, whole or halved (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Whisk together flour, salt, and baking soda. Set aside.
3. In a microwave safe bowl, melt the butter. Let cool slightly.
4. Whisk together butter and both sugars. Whisk in eggs, one at a time, then vanilla.
5. Using wooden spoon, stir in flour mixture.
6. Stir in chocolate and nuts. Batter should not be too stiff.
7. Put 1/4 cup dough for each cookie on cookie sheet.
8. Bake for 12-17 minutes, or until slightly browned; The cookies will look underdone.
9. Cool on cookie sheet, so the cookies stay soft and chewy. Store in airtight container up to 7 days. Reheat cookies before serving: at least 15 seconds for the first cookie, and 5-10 seconds for each additional cookie.

Makes 12-18 cookies.

Old Blog Archive: The Star Wars Fandom Quiz

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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I have made a list like this before, I know. However, this one is different, in that I took the top Star Wars-y parts of my life, and made them into a list. Let's see how bad you are...

One point for each that applies to you.

1) Computer Sounds:
1a) When the computer starts up, it plays the SW Theme
1b) When there is an error, it says "I have a bad feeling about this."
1c) When you empty the trash/recycle bin, it says "What a piece of junk!"
1d) When you log out, it is either the credits theme, or "Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for a while."
(Give yourself half credit for each if you would do it, but don't know how.)

2) When your little brother/sister/son/daughter acts up, you make them calm down by telling them that a Jedi wouldn't act like that.

3) Whenever someone asks you a question, you answer, in your best Ewan imitation, "Possibly..."

4) You write coded messages to your brother/sister/boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. in Aurebesh, by hand.
4a) 2 extra points if they can understand it, and they don't mind.

5) You boycott family movie night when they are watching a movie without even a Star Wars reference. (Toy Story 2? Oh yeah! Gone With the Wind? Eh, I'll pass.)

6) Your life's goal is to find a copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special, if only to say to your friends that you survived it.

7) You have built your own Star Wars website, that only you can visit, because it is stored on your computer - and you update it daily anyways.

8) When your parents refused to take you to see Episode III again, you convinced, with cookies your favorite Aunt to take you. (Cookies can be substituted by any form of bribery, and parents & aunt can be substiuted by any other people. Not like this ever happened to me...)

9) When you are stuck with slow internet, you only visit two sites: TheForce.net, and Starwars.com - or any other SW sites. (I mean, who needs to check their email, anyways?)

10) You interject Star Wars quotes into your daily speech.

11) Your only (or main) curse words are Blast, Sithspawn, Sith, and/or Kessel.

12) Because of your influence, your child or younger sibling wants to be Darth Vader when he/she grows up.
12a) Your child or younger sibling knows the names and mini biographies of at least the main characters form either the OT or the PT, or both.

13) Hmmm... unlucky number. No question - just give yourself a point.

14) You go to an out-of-town library because your local one has only 2 Star Wars books.

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Possible points: 20

Scoring:

20 Points: The circle is now complete.
15-19 Points: Padawan - The Force is strong in you... but you are not a Jedi yet
9-15 Points: Eh, not so bad. Much to learn, you still have.
2-8 Points: Ewok - You have failed me for the last time.
1 point: Gungan - Dude, you only got number 13? What in Kessel are you doing on this site?! You don't even deserve a Star Wars quote.

Old Blog Archive: How To Classify A Blog

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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We all love these blogs. Why else would you be here? Sometimes we just can't tell if someone is dead serious, or very bad at being sarcastic. How can you tell?

One way would be to look at the comments - but sometimes they go off on a tnagent, having completely nothing to do with the blog (one time all the comments on one of my entries had something to do with a single sentence in my entry).

Another would be to read the other entries - but even His Great Moosiness can be serious sometimes, so you can get conflicting ideas. One entry could be a spoof or funny Star Wars-related story, while the next looks at something completely un-Star Wars and dead serious. The less entries, the harder this gets.

Personally, I think the best way to tell is to look at the blogger's blog roll. Think about it:

• You don't put blogs you don't like in your blog roll.
• You choose blogs that reflect your view of the SW universe - the biggest Obi-Wan fan in the world will not blog roll a blog entitled "Anakin Is Better Than Obi-Wan"
• Most of the time, your blog roll is filled with blogs that are about the same humor-level as yours

With that in mind, please give a warm welcome to the Unofficial Blog/Blogger Classifying System. Some blog rolls have more than one classification.

• If your roll is always filled: You are have a very relaxed view of Star Wars. You are willing to accept other views besides your own. Many times, you have a whole blog entry as a blog roll, because you love too many to pick just ten.
• If your roll changes often: You are very wishy-washy. You don't like enough blogs to waste a whole entry on them, but you can't narrow it down to the ten.
• If your roll never changes: You are very set in your ways. It is likely that you fiercely believe that Han shot first.
• If you have less than seven blogs on your roll: You are a very selective person, choosing only the best. You enjoy only high-quality material, and usually agree with those on your roll.
• If you have no blog roll: You are a loner that is very set in your ways. You probably don't care if you get comments, but if you find a comment that disagrees with you you will fight fiercely. You might even be sensitive enough to blacklist the commentor immediately. EXCEPTIONS: You might simply be new to the blogging world, in which case I welcome you! I know just the blog to help you get started with your blog roll. *cough*mine*cough*
• If your roll is filled with blogs such as Joke-A-Day: You obviously appreciate humor, especially Star Wars related. You are fairly open-minded about Star Wars, and do not take it personally when someone insults or jokes about your favorite character. You are a very cheerful person that incorporates Star Wars into your daily life.
• If your roll is filled with VIPs: You are easily star-struck. You are one of those who stand in the cold outside of a star's house to catch a glimpse of them. You hang on their every word.
• If your roll is filled with Mod blogs: You're a suck-up. You want the mods to be so flattered that you will never get in trouble. Hint: it doesn't work.

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I hope to refine this list, so please give your comments, as well as any other classifications.

Disclaimer: I do not mean to insult anyone with this blog entry. This is not meant to be taken too seriously. This is just some unscientific and (hopefully) semi-humorous observations by a blogger. No Gungans were harmed in the making of this blog. Total cost does not include tax, title, and insurance. Offer expires 3/27/1138. Do not read this disclaimer.

Old Blog Archive: Attack of the _Mini_Indy_

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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My little brother is four years old - or as he puts it, "Almost five." He also aspires to be Darth Vader when he grows up. The picture I chose looks almost exactly like him - except my brother always carries my lightsaber, wears his black winter boots, my Darth Vader voice-changer mask, a cape my mom made him, black pants, and a Darth Vader shirt.

But on to the subject... Since he is only four, he can't pronounce everything quite right. Here is a quick glossary of terms he uses, spelled as he pronounces them:

• Yeya - Leia
• Darf - Darth
• Darf Brooks - Darth Maul
• Pamay - Padmé
• Empveror - Emperor
• Dangrish - Dangerous
• Astroy - Destroy
• Gawaxy - Galaxy
• Alennium Vulcan - Millennium Falcon (The ironies abound)

So, now that you will be able to decipher what he says, let's move on to the good part... his Darth Vader Quotes, _Mini_Indy_ style:

• > You don't know the Dark Side of the Dark Side.
• What scares me, is that apparently he does.
• [He walks up to me] You're Yeya. Yeya, I am your daddy. [He walks up to my sister] you're Pamay. Pamay, I am your daddy.
• We're working on his relationship issues.
• We'll hafta astroy them ship to ship.
• He got this one right, but it was so cute!
• Bring me the passengers dead. I want them alive!
• It makes sense to him.

And, last but not least, the complete story of Star Wars in 11 seconds:

Once upon a time, in a gawaxy far, far away, there was Luke and Yeya... and Darf Vader... and... Pamay.

And the Empveror was hurtin' Luke. And Darf Vader... turned into good again... and he throwed the Empveror down the tower: That died him.



There you go. My little _Mini_Indy_.

P.S. He also has an alter-ego: Luke. No cute quotes from that, yet. Stay tuned.

Old Blog Archive: Revenge of the Neds

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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My friends just don't understand. Once you watch Star Wars, it forever changes your life. I haven't gotten to the Wearing Darth Vader Underoos Stage yet, but I am at the stage where you can't see my bedroom wall because of all the posters, and I am seriously considering making my cell phone number 327-1138 (if it isn't already taken). I am also guilty of 9 out of 10 of The Stooge's "The Top Ten Signs Your Boyfriend is a Star Wars Junkie" - except that I'm a female humanoid, and I can't afford a Toyota yet.

They don't understand - Star Wars isn't a movie, it is a lifestyle.

As for the title of this blog... let me explain. I went to a church summer camp, and this was my first year as a Star Wars fan - I was still in the "closet" so to speak. I thought that since it was an OLD movie, that it wasn't cool to be a Star Wars fan - this was before I had even discovered TheForce.net or even StarWars.com. I finally worked up the courage to tell some people that I was a Star Wars fan. Surprisingly enough, everyone I told was also a huge fan! I discovered it to be a great conversation starter - I ceased to be shy. Where before I wouldn't speak to anyone, I would now walk up to anyone, and introduce myself this way: "OK, Star Wars or Star Trek?" 99 people answerd Star Wars - three answered Star Trek, and one was neutral. I had 99 new friends!

Then the real world hit - I had to go home, and all my new friends lived in different states. I was all alone in my world of Anti-Star Wars friends. I started counting down the days to camp.

Next year at camp, I had a new enemy. We'll just call him Mr. P. (You know who you are.) He was a self-proclaimed geek, as am I. He claimed to be the world's expert on geekiness. And, since I was a Star Wars fan, I was not a TRUE geek. He would call me a Nerd - the lowest insult anyone can throw at me, besides Nerfherder. The funny thing was, with his Austrailian accent, I was called a "Ned."

It stuck.

As I said before, I am a female humanoid. That is now named Ned. I've grown used to it - I wear it a a badge of courage. I even embrace it. "Hi, I'm Ned, but you can call me Indy."

If you encounter something similar, just remember: They're just jealous that you have 99 friends, while they have only one. Just call them a Sithspawn right back. Or, Nerfherder works just as well, if you prefer more gentle language.

Have you had a similar experience? PLEASE email me or post it as a comment. I would be glad to know I'm not the only one.

_Darth_Ned_ out.

Old Blog Archives: The Emperor's Dating Profile

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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Hello. My name is Emperor Palpatine. Yes, that's my first name. Anyways, this is a picture of me. Really. It is from about two years ago. Really. I'm not using the Power of Persuasion. You don't want to sell me death sticks. You want to go home and rethink your life.

I live on Coruscant in the Imperial Palace. I am very rich, and have many servants to wait on me hand and foot. If you become my concubine, I will give you some too.

I am a genious, and very handsome. I am also smart and attractive. I am the ruler of the known universe, as well as some unknown parts - don't ask about that.

I am usually very busy with my work, so I need someone that doesn't mind being alone often. Dark Side adeptness is a plus.

I enjoy long walks in the dark, shocking people, and I enjoy a good laugh.

Jedi need not apply. Serious inquiries only. Contact me at ThePerfectMan@ImperialDates.emp

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Dear Mr. Palpatine,

I don't want to sell you death sticks. I want to go home and rethink my life.

I live on Coruscant most of the time, but I will not disclose my present location, because of the bounty hunters looking for me.

I saw your profile on ImperialDates.emp and I am extremely interested. I am about nineteen. I have some Dark Side powers, and I am a trained assasin. I shock many people, and I also enjoy long walks in the dark. I never laugh, however.

I am available until the end of the week. Contact me at FutureMrsSkywalker@ImperialDates.emp

Thank you,
Mara Jade

Old Blog Archive: Very dangerous putting the two of them together...

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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Preeeesenting... Star Wars Couples That Never Were - And Shouldn't Be.

Here is an incomplete list of possible Star Wars couples. I have thrown in my opinion here and there. Post comments on certain couples, or suggest your own. Here goes:

Stormtrooper & R2-D2
--Good: They would remember each other's names. "Hello, R2-D2." "Hello, TK-421. Why aren't you at your post?"
--Bad: Think of the kids.

Darth Vader & Mara Jade
--Good: Their marriage would add a new record to Hollywood's "Shortest Marriage" category.
--Bad: He's old enough to be her father. But, hey... she's supposed to be the Emperor's little friend.

Luke & Leia
--Good: They're so much alike.
--Bad: "This might sound crazy... but when I kiss you, it's like I'm kissing my brother."

Chewbacca & Paploo
(OK, Maybe Paploo was male. I couldn't think of the name of a female Ewok. Sue me.)
--Good: They could have combed each other's fur.
--Bad: erm... The size difference might be an issue.

Yoda & Yaddle
--Good: Same species.
--Bad: Who wants to have kids at 850?

Jar Jar & Carbonite Freezing Chamber
--Good: Hmm. Let's see... so hard to figure this one out...
--Bad: Bad? What could possibly be bad?

Admiral Ackbar & Mon Mothma
--Good: Umm... at least they're on the same side of the war.
--Bad: Ewwwww!

Bail Organa & Padme
--Good: Those would have been some good lookin' kids.
--Bad: Anakin would have killed Bail, leading to an earlier decent to the Dark Side.

Stormtrooper & Battle Droid
--Good: The stormtrooper would think he had got himself a supermodel.
--Bad: What would happen when he tried to take of the armor?

Stormtrooper & Stormtrooper
--Good: umm... I'll get back to you on that one.
--Bad: They'd always be wearing the same outfit.

Jar Jar & Padme
--Good: Umm... They're both from Naboo?
--Bad: Ewwwww! Double Ewwwww!

Well, that's it for now. Please feel free to think up your own good/bad points, and any other (un)happy couples.

Old Blog Archive: Blast From The Past

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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I have decided to make it public. I will hold this press release, then I will answer questions.

Yes, it is true. I found it. No one believed me. They said it didn't exist. But I showed them all!

Yes! We have found.... Where in Kessel did my drum roll go? Oh, forgot to turn it on. (Drumroll) We have found...

The Diary Of A Mad Black Jedi!

That's right. Mace Windu, The "Perfect Jedi" tells all in his revealing journal. I have tortured you long enough. Here is the first entry. I might post more if you are good, or at least clean up your mess afterwards.

But first, a word from our sponsors. Just kidding. Ha ha ha!

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First Day, Eight Month [note: year is 32 BBY]

Dear Diary,

I don't really have anything interesting to say. I mean, I know I'm the best Jedi and all, but what with the Chosen One showing up, the Sith coming back and Qui-Gon getting skewered, I haven't had time to do anything fascinating.

I have come to a personal philosophy. The Jedi aren't supposed to have attachments, right? So that means no relationships, right? So, it says nothin' against one-night stands. Right? No attachments, no regrets. And there's plenty of me to go around... lotsa hot Jedi. I know I ain't the only one.

But, like I said, I have no time, what with the Sith and all. And that guy... was he the Master or Apprentice, anyway? I hope he was the master, 'cause I'd sure hate to fight the one that trained him. I'd probably get my hand cut off or somethin'.

Hey, I just realized, i ain't told you who I am. I am Mace Windu, Jedi Master. I am... well, it don't matter how old I am. I feel like I'm 26. I don't like to brag... Kessel, who'm I foolin'? I love to brag. I am the head Jedi Council Member. This makes you real popular with the chicks. Oh, if you're a chick, and roughly humanoid, then gimme a call: 2187.327.1.6.1.38. No collect calls, now.

I've got to finish this entry. The council is meeting to decide what to do with this kid. What's his name again? Ankh... Ama... Anakin! Syhawk... Skyhawk... Skyvulture... Skywalker! Anakin Skywalker. Yeah. Maybe we'll get Obi-Wan to train little Ankykin after all. That Anskin is pretty talented after all. (Sorry for using Hannakin's name so much. I find that if you repeat a name often, you remember it better.)

The meeting starts at 1800, and it's 1749. I'd better get movin. I gotta shave my head before I go.

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(Disclaimer: No Jedi were harmed in the making of this entry. If Mace is your favorite character, I apologize. If Jar Jar is your favorite character, the number of your local Psych Ward is 555-1138. No offence meant to African Americans, Blacks, or other racial groups. Offence meant to Jar Jar. This blog contains no artificial flavoring or preservatives.)

Old Blog Archive: More Star Wars Limericks & Haiku

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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Limericks

Harrison wants to be Solo
But George shook his head and said, "No, no!
I've seen him before!"
But casting's a bore
So 'fore long... classic Han Solo!

Tyrannus, Darth Maul, Darth Vader
Threw Sideous a party to cater
To his every whim.
(Was a trick on him -
Was thrown down the shaft slightly later)

A Nemodian (George named him Gunray)
Went to Naboo to attack Sunday
They brought battle droids
And scared girls and boys
But they were all saved by Miss Padme

It's hard to make limericks rhyme
(Will not try to do it this time)
I never can do it
This one will prove it -
My lim'ricks should be called a crime.

My personal favorite:

There once was a Gungan named Jar Jar
Who wanted a drink at the bar bar
He forgot to pay...
Next thing he knew, they
Stuffed him in the trunk of a car car.

Padme got a present for Ani!
She thought it was his favorite candy.
It tasted like chalk
And caused him to balk,
But smiling, he said, "It's dandy!"

Haiku (sorry!)

Luke Skywalker is
A very boring Jedi
His jokes make me sleep.

Leia Solo gave
Birth to twins. Talk about a
Family curse. Ouch!

Salacious Crumb has
No idea what to do - Jabba
Died and left no food.

Where oh where has my
Little dog gome? Where oh where...
Look! There... The Sarlacc.

It is hard to make
Haiku rhyme. Maybe I can
Get Threepio to.

Why do they hate me?
I can't help it if Jar Jar
Is the name of dad!

Old Blog Archive: (Mostly) Star Wars Haiku & Limericks

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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Here's my little attempt at poetry. Sometimes at night, reading my FanFics from TheForce.Net on my PDA, I jump up in bed and think of a Limerick or Haiku. Then I think I will remember it in the morning, and promptly forget. So, I now have a place to drop them where I can keep them for posterity. Or at least until I stop liking them.

My inspiration comes from The Stooge's Star Wars Joke-a-Day Limerick Friday. Enjoy!

Here goes...

[April 6, 2006]

A rancor went to Jabba's palace
And applied for a job needing malice.
When asked for his name,
He replied with shame:
"My mother and dad named me Alice."

There is an Ewok named Paploo
Who couldn't find his pet named Choo!
He looked for the bug
Under all the rugs
And found it beneath Leia's shoe.

There once was a Gungan named Rick
Who thought he could write limericks.
He failed at the sport,
His poems were too short

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Comments are appreciated!

Old Blog Archive: Behold - A blog entry without a picture!

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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Yes folks, here it is... what you've all been waiting for!

The Blog Entry With No Picture! (Fanfare)

Yes, indeedy. And you thought it couldn't be done. Whether you choose a picture and wrote an entry around it, or choose a picture to go with your entry - there was always a picture! Yes, I've done it too! But no more - I have joined Pictures Anonymous.

Hello. I am _Darth_Indy_ and I am a pictureholic. And, boy can I tell you, it's hard to say _ standing on this podium. Who's next?

They all said I couldn't do it. Well, I'll show them. I'LL SHOW YOU ALL! BWA HA HA HA!!!

It's okay. I'm calm now. Breathe. Breathe.

Now, for the entry... What can I write about? Hmmm...

Old Blog Archive: Are We There Yet? (Dear Old Dad 2)

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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Luke: Are we there yet?
Vader: No.
Luke: Are we there now?
Vader: We just went in to Hyperspace.
Luke: But are we there yet?
Vader: NO!
Luke: How much longer?
Vader: We'll get there at 1800 hours.
Luke: That's too long. I wanna be there NOW!
Vader: Look... I'll show you how the ship works.
Luke: Okay, daddy!

(Later...)

Vader: ...and those are the forward stabilizers.
Luke: And those control the pitch?
Vader: You catch on pretty quick.
(Vader pauses, shakes his head)
Luke: What's wrong, daddy?
Vader: Deja Vu.
Luke: What's that?
Vader: Never mind.
Luke: So... Are we there yet?

(much later)

Luke: Daddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddyda...
Vader: Shut up!
Luke: Why?
Vader: Look... here's a toy. It's a Choke Me Elmo, or something.
Luke: Ooooo... Gimme!

(on Tatooine: Mos Eisley)

Vader: You there!
Luke: Yeah, you!
Person On The Street Cowering In Fear: Wha... what?
Vader: Do you know where Ben Kenobi lives?
Person On The Street Cowering In Fear: Th... th... that way...
Vader: Thank You.
Person On The Street Cowering In Fear: (faints)

(Ben Kenobi's Hovel)

Vader: Obi-Wan Kenobi! Come out!
Luke: Yeah!
Ben: Hello, Darth. Have you come to kill me?
Vader: No.
Ben: What?!
Vader: Take Luke. He's driving me insane.
Luke: But daddy!
Vader: Don't argue!
Ben: Okay. Um, if you insist.
Luke: Do you have "Little Lost Bantha Cub"?
Ben: Yes.
Luke: You my fwend!
Vader: Halleujah!
(Vader runs at top speed away)

Old Blog Archive: Tech Support - The True Story

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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By popular demand (meaning I wanted to ;p), here's the real story behind Tech Support.

Characters:
Me
Grandma
Evil AOL Tech Support
Evil People PC Tech Support
Evil IBM Tech support

Props: (All Grandma's)
Phone with a fuzzy connection
IBM ThinkPad
Windows 98
Broken Modem

Part 1 - AOL

I call AOL Tech Support. I get the Recording Of Doom. I go through 30 minutes of unrecognised commands until hanging up. I call AGAIN and after 15 more minutes, I get a real person. (Call the news! put it in the headlines!) Bad news - I was transferred to India. The guy apparently was in the middle of English Class 1 - Part 1. Nothing against India - it's just, customer service shouldn't be there.

It's easier to make the recording understand me.

I hang up.

Part 2 - People PC

I call People PC to get a different service - maybe it will work then. Voila! I get a real person right away. (Note to self: say you want to buy and they will answer.)

Sign up. Get access numbers. Try to dial up. Nothing. Call again. No help.

Call again. India again!

He tells me to do 42 different things - none of which work. He then tells me to call the computer manufacturer. Click.

Part 3 - IBM

I get to a person finally - after the recording trumpeted the fact that I was being transfered to Georgia.

The guy guides me through a whole bunch before I realize I forgot to tell him I was running Windows 98. It's too late. It's ruined.

Part 4 - Me

I restart the computer twice. It works. I realize why people pay $50 an hour for people to do tech support for them. And that they spend it all on therapy.


And now you know the rrrrrrest of the story.

Old Blog Archive: Tech Support

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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(This story is based on actual events. That means it really happened. Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

(Not suitable for Wookies and other species that will break their computer at the mention of T-E-C-H-S-U-P-P-O-R-T. AHHH! Don't smash... Never mind.)

(You've made it this far? Wow. Go ahead.)

Dear Precision NavComp,
I would like to submit a complaint about your Tech Support. Included please find a transcript of my experience.
Sincerely, Els San
P.S. NEVER send me your catalogue again. I will sue.
P.P.S. I have also enclosed a picture of the "help" I received from my holos. Please punish him. Mercilessly.

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BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

Ring. Ring. *Bleep*
Hello. Thank you for calling Precision NavComp, Inc. Customer Service. We are currently testing our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software. Please say one of the following. For purchasing a new internal ship navigation computer, please say 'Internal'. For a new handheld navigation computer, please say 'Handheld'. To purchase accessories, please say 'Accessories'. To hear your options again, say 'Repeat'. Oh, yeah. For product support, say 'Help'.

Me: Help.

Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Accessories' - is that correct?

Me: No.

I'm sorry. Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software did not recognize what you said. Please repeat.

Me: Nuh-ohhh.

No? OK. Which department would you like?

Me: Hellllp.

Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Help' - is that correct?

Me: Yes.

No? OK. Which department would you like?

Me: HELLLLP.

Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Help' - is that correct?

Me: YESSSS.

OK. Please wait one moment. [Turbolift Muzak] Thank you for waiting. Say the type of product you want help with - Internal, Handheld, or Accessory.

Me: Handheld.

Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Internal' - is that correct?

Me: NOOOO.

No? OK. Which department would you like?

Me: Hannd. Helled.

Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Handheld' - is that correct?

Me: Yesss.

OK. Please wait one moment. [Turbolift Muzak] Thank you for waiting. Your call is important to us. [Turbolift Muzak] All of our customer service representatives are currently busy. Thank you for waiting. [Turbolift Muzak] Your call may be recorded to bring you better service. Any swear words you say while on hold may be used against you. [Turbolift Muzak]

*Bleep* Thank you for holding. I am Chey, how may I help you?

Me: Thank you! A real humanoid! Anyways, I'm having trouble with my M3-117 Handheld NavComp.

OK. Could you please give me your holonumber and the serial number on your M3-117?

Me: My holonumber is Coruscant 1.312.378.164.99 and the serial number is M3-27-11-38-99-66-42.

Your M3-117 is already registered with us. What is your problem?

Me: My manual states that this NavComp should have my accurate position within two-thirds of a centimeter, but it is over half a meter off. I don't know how to calibrate it.

OK, I can help you. On the menu bar, tap 'Utilities' and...

Me: I don't see a 'Utilities'... Oh, I forgot to tell you - it's running on Navdows 98.

NAVDOWS 98?

Me: Um, yes...

I need to send you to a different department. Please hold.

Me: But...

[Laugh, cut off by Turbolift Muzak]

Thank you for waiting. I hear you have a problem with a NavComp running on Navdows 98. *Snicker* How can I help?

Me: Umm... I need to know how to calibrate it.

Follow me closely: Click on 'Options' then 'Preferences' then 'Choices' then-advanced-then-new-thencancelthenrestartthenultraadvanced [deep breath]... Are you getting all of this?

Me: Yep. What after Ultra-Advanced?

[Under breath] Darn. She got it.

Me: Pardon me?

Please hold. [Turbolift Muzak] Ok. Now click the 'Done' button.

Me: What? I didn't do anything!

Now, click 'Files' and delete the file named 'ETELEDTONOD'. Then turn off the NavComp.

Me: OK. Done.

Turn it back on.

Me: HEY!!! It used to only be half a meter off, now it's 13 kilometers off. Wait... THE SCREEN IS BLANK!!!!!

Hmm. There's something wrong with your NavComp.

Me: THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOU!!!!!!!

Take it to a service center.

[Click. Dial tone.]

END TRANSCRIPT
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Dear Ms. San,
Our system always works perfectly.
Sincerely, Precision NavCorp, Inc.
P.S. Included with this is a catalogue of all our products. For your convenience.
P.P.S. The one you talked to has been commended. He is now a supervisor. Thank you for notification of his abilities.

Old Blog Archive: Dear Old Dad...

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

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"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy Daddy daddydaddydadad..."
"What?!"
"Little Lost Bantha Cub."
"No, Luke. You know I hate that book."
"But I WANT you to read it!"
"You don't always get what you want."
"How 'bout Hop on Pop."
"You mean this book?"
"Yeahhhh!"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I said so."
"Pleeeeeease?"
"Go ask Uncle Palpy."
"OK!"

-----------------------------------

"Unca Palpy?"
"Can't you see I'm busy, Luke?"
"Whatcha doin'?"
"This mean old Jedi needs to be punished. He is getting lightning."
"Oooooo... can I watch?"
"No."
"I'm thirsty."
"Go ask your dad for some blue milk."
"But I want you to get it."
"Commander Cody. Get the brat some milk."
"Yes Sir."
"Now, Luke, go get ready for bed. It's 1900 hours, and you need your sleep. Your dad is taking you to chase a bad Jedi out on Tatooine tomorrow, and you need your sleep."
"Night night, Unca Palpy!"