Old Blog Archive: Are We There Yet? (Dear Old Dad 2)

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

---------------------------------------------------

Luke: Are we there yet?
Vader: No.
Luke: Are we there now?
Vader: We just went in to Hyperspace.
Luke: But are we there yet?
Vader: NO!
Luke: How much longer?
Vader: We'll get there at 1800 hours.
Luke: That's too long. I wanna be there NOW!
Vader: Look... I'll show you how the ship works.
Luke: Okay, daddy!

(Later...)

Vader: ...and those are the forward stabilizers.
Luke: And those control the pitch?
Vader: You catch on pretty quick.
(Vader pauses, shakes his head)
Luke: What's wrong, daddy?
Vader: Deja Vu.
Luke: What's that?
Vader: Never mind.
Luke: So... Are we there yet?

(much later)

Luke: Daddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddyda...
Vader: Shut up!
Luke: Why?
Vader: Look... here's a toy. It's a Choke Me Elmo, or something.
Luke: Ooooo... Gimme!

(on Tatooine: Mos Eisley)

Vader: You there!
Luke: Yeah, you!
Person On The Street Cowering In Fear: Wha... what?
Vader: Do you know where Ben Kenobi lives?
Person On The Street Cowering In Fear: Th... th... that way...
Vader: Thank You.
Person On The Street Cowering In Fear: (faints)

(Ben Kenobi's Hovel)

Vader: Obi-Wan Kenobi! Come out!
Luke: Yeah!
Ben: Hello, Darth. Have you come to kill me?
Vader: No.
Ben: What?!
Vader: Take Luke. He's driving me insane.
Luke: But daddy!
Vader: Don't argue!
Ben: Okay. Um, if you insist.
Luke: Do you have "Little Lost Bantha Cub"?
Ben: Yes.
Luke: You my fwend!
Vader: Halleujah!
(Vader runs at top speed away)

Old Blog Archive: Tech Support - The True Story

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

---------------------------------------------------

By popular demand (meaning I wanted to ;p), here's the real story behind Tech Support.

Characters:
Me
Grandma
Evil AOL Tech Support
Evil People PC Tech Support
Evil IBM Tech support

Props: (All Grandma's)
Phone with a fuzzy connection
IBM ThinkPad
Windows 98
Broken Modem

Part 1 - AOL

I call AOL Tech Support. I get the Recording Of Doom. I go through 30 minutes of unrecognised commands until hanging up. I call AGAIN and after 15 more minutes, I get a real person. (Call the news! put it in the headlines!) Bad news - I was transferred to India. The guy apparently was in the middle of English Class 1 - Part 1. Nothing against India - it's just, customer service shouldn't be there.

It's easier to make the recording understand me.

I hang up.

Part 2 - People PC

I call People PC to get a different service - maybe it will work then. Voila! I get a real person right away. (Note to self: say you want to buy and they will answer.)

Sign up. Get access numbers. Try to dial up. Nothing. Call again. No help.

Call again. India again!

He tells me to do 42 different things - none of which work. He then tells me to call the computer manufacturer. Click.

Part 3 - IBM

I get to a person finally - after the recording trumpeted the fact that I was being transfered to Georgia.

The guy guides me through a whole bunch before I realize I forgot to tell him I was running Windows 98. It's too late. It's ruined.

Part 4 - Me

I restart the computer twice. It works. I realize why people pay $50 an hour for people to do tech support for them. And that they spend it all on therapy.


And now you know the rrrrrrest of the story.

Old Blog Archive: Tech Support

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

---------------------------------------------------

(This story is based on actual events. That means it really happened. Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

(Not suitable for Wookies and other species that will break their computer at the mention of T-E-C-H-S-U-P-P-O-R-T. AHHH! Don't smash... Never mind.)

(You've made it this far? Wow. Go ahead.)

Dear Precision NavComp,
I would like to submit a complaint about your Tech Support. Included please find a transcript of my experience.
Sincerely, Els San
P.S. NEVER send me your catalogue again. I will sue.
P.P.S. I have also enclosed a picture of the "help" I received from my holos. Please punish him. Mercilessly.

----------
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

Ring. Ring. *Bleep*
Hello. Thank you for calling Precision NavComp, Inc. Customer Service. We are currently testing our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software. Please say one of the following. For purchasing a new internal ship navigation computer, please say 'Internal'. For a new handheld navigation computer, please say 'Handheld'. To purchase accessories, please say 'Accessories'. To hear your options again, say 'Repeat'. Oh, yeah. For product support, say 'Help'.

Me: Help.

Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Accessories' - is that correct?

Me: No.

I'm sorry. Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software did not recognize what you said. Please repeat.

Me: Nuh-ohhh.

No? OK. Which department would you like?

Me: Hellllp.

Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Help' - is that correct?

Me: Yes.

No? OK. Which department would you like?

Me: HELLLLP.

Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Help' - is that correct?

Me: YESSSS.

OK. Please wait one moment. [Turbolift Muzak] Thank you for waiting. Say the type of product you want help with - Internal, Handheld, or Accessory.

Me: Handheld.

Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Internal' - is that correct?

Me: NOOOO.

No? OK. Which department would you like?

Me: Hannd. Helled.

Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Handheld' - is that correct?

Me: Yesss.

OK. Please wait one moment. [Turbolift Muzak] Thank you for waiting. Your call is important to us. [Turbolift Muzak] All of our customer service representatives are currently busy. Thank you for waiting. [Turbolift Muzak] Your call may be recorded to bring you better service. Any swear words you say while on hold may be used against you. [Turbolift Muzak]

*Bleep* Thank you for holding. I am Chey, how may I help you?

Me: Thank you! A real humanoid! Anyways, I'm having trouble with my M3-117 Handheld NavComp.

OK. Could you please give me your holonumber and the serial number on your M3-117?

Me: My holonumber is Coruscant 1.312.378.164.99 and the serial number is M3-27-11-38-99-66-42.

Your M3-117 is already registered with us. What is your problem?

Me: My manual states that this NavComp should have my accurate position within two-thirds of a centimeter, but it is over half a meter off. I don't know how to calibrate it.

OK, I can help you. On the menu bar, tap 'Utilities' and...

Me: I don't see a 'Utilities'... Oh, I forgot to tell you - it's running on Navdows 98.

NAVDOWS 98?

Me: Um, yes...

I need to send you to a different department. Please hold.

Me: But...

[Laugh, cut off by Turbolift Muzak]

Thank you for waiting. I hear you have a problem with a NavComp running on Navdows 98. *Snicker* How can I help?

Me: Umm... I need to know how to calibrate it.

Follow me closely: Click on 'Options' then 'Preferences' then 'Choices' then-advanced-then-new-thencancelthenrestartthenultraadvanced [deep breath]... Are you getting all of this?

Me: Yep. What after Ultra-Advanced?

[Under breath] Darn. She got it.

Me: Pardon me?

Please hold. [Turbolift Muzak] Ok. Now click the 'Done' button.

Me: What? I didn't do anything!

Now, click 'Files' and delete the file named 'ETELEDTONOD'. Then turn off the NavComp.

Me: OK. Done.

Turn it back on.

Me: HEY!!! It used to only be half a meter off, now it's 13 kilometers off. Wait... THE SCREEN IS BLANK!!!!!

Hmm. There's something wrong with your NavComp.

Me: THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOU!!!!!!!

Take it to a service center.

[Click. Dial tone.]

END TRANSCRIPT
-------------

Dear Ms. San,
Our system always works perfectly.
Sincerely, Precision NavCorp, Inc.
P.S. Included with this is a catalogue of all our products. For your convenience.
P.P.S. The one you talked to has been commended. He is now a supervisor. Thank you for notification of his abilities.

Old Blog Archive: Dear Old Dad...

This blog entry was originally posted on my now defunct Star Wars.com blog. I am now archiving it for posterity in my new, improved, and free blog.

---------------------------------------------------

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy Daddy daddydaddydadad..."
"What?!"
"Little Lost Bantha Cub."
"No, Luke. You know I hate that book."
"But I WANT you to read it!"
"You don't always get what you want."
"How 'bout Hop on Pop."
"You mean this book?"
"Yeahhhh!"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I said so."
"Pleeeeeease?"
"Go ask Uncle Palpy."
"OK!"

-----------------------------------

"Unca Palpy?"
"Can't you see I'm busy, Luke?"
"Whatcha doin'?"
"This mean old Jedi needs to be punished. He is getting lightning."
"Oooooo... can I watch?"
"No."
"I'm thirsty."
"Go ask your dad for some blue milk."
"But I want you to get it."
"Commander Cody. Get the brat some milk."
"Yes Sir."
"Now, Luke, go get ready for bed. It's 1900 hours, and you need your sleep. Your dad is taking you to chase a bad Jedi out on Tatooine tomorrow, and you need your sleep."
"Night night, Unca Palpy!"