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(This story is based on actual events. That means it really happened. Be afraid. Be very afraid.)
(Not suitable for Wookies and other species that will break their computer at the mention of T-E-C-H-S-U-P-P-O-R-T. AHHH! Don't smash... Never mind.)
(You've made it this far? Wow. Go ahead.)
Dear Precision NavComp,
I would like to submit a complaint about your Tech Support. Included please find a transcript of my experience.
Sincerely, Els San
P.S. NEVER send me your catalogue again. I will sue.
P.P.S. I have also enclosed a picture of the "help" I received from my holos. Please punish him. Mercilessly.
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BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
Ring. Ring. *Bleep*
Hello. Thank you for calling Precision NavComp, Inc. Customer Service. We are currently testing our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software. Please say one of the following. For purchasing a new internal ship navigation computer, please say 'Internal'. For a new handheld navigation computer, please say 'Handheld'. To purchase accessories, please say 'Accessories'. To hear your options again, say 'Repeat'. Oh, yeah. For product support, say 'Help'.
Me: Help.
Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Accessories' - is that correct?
Me: No.
I'm sorry. Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software did not recognize what you said. Please repeat.
Me: Nuh-ohhh.
No? OK. Which department would you like?
Me: Hellllp.
Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Help' - is that correct?
Me: Yes.
No? OK. Which department would you like?
Me: HELLLLP.
Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Help' - is that correct?
Me: YESSSS.
OK. Please wait one moment. [Turbolift Muzak] Thank you for waiting. Say the type of product you want help with - Internal, Handheld, or Accessory.
Me: Handheld.
Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Internal' - is that correct?
Me: NOOOO.
No? OK. Which department would you like?
Me: Hannd. Helled.
Our NEW AccuVoice[tm] voice recognition software tells me you said 'Handheld' - is that correct?
Me: Yesss.
OK. Please wait one moment. [Turbolift Muzak] Thank you for waiting. Your call is important to us. [Turbolift Muzak] All of our customer service representatives are currently busy. Thank you for waiting. [Turbolift Muzak] Your call may be recorded to bring you better service. Any swear words you say while on hold may be used against you. [Turbolift Muzak]
*Bleep* Thank you for holding. I am Chey, how may I help you?
Me: Thank you! A real humanoid! Anyways, I'm having trouble with my M3-117 Handheld NavComp.
OK. Could you please give me your holonumber and the serial number on your M3-117?
Me: My holonumber is Coruscant 1.312.378.164.99 and the serial number is M3-27-11-38-99-66-42.
Your M3-117 is already registered with us. What is your problem?
Me: My manual states that this NavComp should have my accurate position within two-thirds of a centimeter, but it is over half a meter off. I don't know how to calibrate it.
OK, I can help you. On the menu bar, tap 'Utilities' and...
Me: I don't see a 'Utilities'... Oh, I forgot to tell you - it's running on Navdows 98.
NAVDOWS 98?
Me: Um, yes...
I need to send you to a different department. Please hold.
Me: But...
[Laugh, cut off by Turbolift Muzak]
Thank you for waiting. I hear you have a problem with a NavComp running on Navdows 98. *Snicker* How can I help?
Me: Umm... I need to know how to calibrate it.
Follow me closely: Click on 'Options' then 'Preferences' then 'Choices' then-advanced-then-new-thencancelthenrestartthenultraadvanced [deep breath]... Are you getting all of this?
Me: Yep. What after Ultra-Advanced?
[Under breath] Darn. She got it.
Me: Pardon me?
Please hold. [Turbolift Muzak] Ok. Now click the 'Done' button.
Me: What? I didn't do anything!
Now, click 'Files' and delete the file named 'ETELEDTONOD'. Then turn off the NavComp.
Me: OK. Done.
Turn it back on.
Me: HEY!!! It used to only be half a meter off, now it's 13 kilometers off. Wait... THE SCREEN IS BLANK!!!!!
Hmm. There's something wrong with your NavComp.
Me: THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOU!!!!!!!
Take it to a service center.
[Click. Dial tone.]
END TRANSCRIPT
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Dear Ms. San,
Our system always works perfectly.
Sincerely, Precision NavCorp, Inc.
P.S. Included with this is a catalogue of all our products. For your convenience.
P.P.S. The one you talked to has been commended. He is now a supervisor. Thank you for notification of his abilities.
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